Kris' Blogorama

wilderness or prison or fleas...u pick

Themes are constant in my life...are they in yours? Some say God is silent these days; I disagree - He's pretty vocal and evident at times when I choose to focus and see what He's showing me. Right now, I've been thinking about the dark, dreary place that is - TURNING 40. Ha, I kid, I kid. But seriously, lots of stuff is getting me down these days...as I'm sure it does for many around this time of year. I find myself doing lots of asking of God...asking for Him to clarify or guide in some "gray areas". And - wouldnt you know it - He starts throwing stuff at me that reminds me that I just might be right where He wants me (even if its not right where I want me).

#1

I've been having trouble sleeping lately...weird for me...and last night I watched The Count of Monte Cristo. Great movie. Something dawned on me as I watched this guy rot in prison...he lost hope. He lost faith. He got mad. He recognized that he was just building rage and revenge in his soul. The other old-prisoner-guy said to him that maybe that was right where God wanted him...in rage and revenge. How can that BE? Well, as I watched I realized this: if it werent for the revenge, he'd have lost that will to live. He'd have succumbed and ultimately died. 

#2

And so - as I tried to sleep after that movie I just kept letting my mind creep back to a discussion I had with my hubby the other day after the funeral of a young father...a death that made no sense to those he left behind. I remember thinking that we cant know/understand WHY, but we can trust that He's in charge w/o knowing the details. And then, I remembered the fleas from Corrie Ten Boom's book The Hiding Place. How can being overcome w/fleas in a concentration camp make ANY SENSE on ANY LEVEL? Well...they did. They do. Fleas make sense when God's using them for His stuff. They cant possibly make sense to us. Which brings me to #3...

#3

Today I read this on my fav blog. Its a question and then David Crowder answers it...I love his answer.

"How do you deal with it when you don’t feel particularly close to God, or even are mad at Him, and you have to play a concert?"

David Crowder: I kick Him in the shins then run! (Also, there’s this: There have been times when I have felt like I’m in the wilderness, you know, on my own, in a desert-like environment, isolated, desolate, abandoned in a godforsaken wilderness with cacti, well, no cacti, but still the desert metaphor works in communicating the bleakness I have felt on occasion. A good friend of mine pointed out that it was none-other-than God Himself that lead His people into the wilderness from time to time, which could in turn mean that when you feel you’ve been deserted, you may be exactly where He wants you. He may have even had a hand in bringing you to that point. This has brought a small amount of comfort in those times.) But I do find the kicking of shins to be therapeutic.

~~~

"God Himself lead His people into the wilderness from time to time, which could in turn mean that when you feel you've been deserted, you may be exactly where He wants you." So true.

Ya know, there is no verse in the Bible that says, "everything I allow will make sense and you will love it all - I PROMISE". If it did, I guess there'd be no need for faith...trust. So, I'll keep thinking on these themes He's tossing my way. Wherever I find myself...good to remember, that despite the craziness of it or the unclearness of it, He knows where I am. And, He's there with me, too.

light and shadow

Whew.

What a week. It was not an easy one...and I know it wont be the last time I have a "not easy one". Its funny, I was overwhelmed with peace thru the whole kid-in-the-hospital-with-mysterious-infection-thing. I dont know why...wait, I do...

I've been thinking a lot about some great words from a great man. My friend Don Brown said to me once, "faith is remembering". (He also said lots of other things like "dont be a vienna sausage" and "silly rabbit, roads are for vans", too - but I digress)

Faith is remembering.

How true is that for me/you? In the midst of the inevitable shadows of life, do I remember where He's brought me? Do I rest in that? Or do I panic...do I fuss bc my circumstances are not what I have planned out?

We got home from the hospital late friday. And so, yesterday was spent doing 10,000 loads of laundry and learning how to live at home again...getting back to life. As I was doing some cleaning out I came across a letter from a 15 year old kid that I had to stop and read...

"...no one can see the real me because I'm always faking a happy face...I'm hurting so bad I feel empty inside. I feel like I'm not even really alive - living but just here."

My first thought was - "ah man...the pain that poor kid was in". She didnt see the "out" - she only saw how to live in the mess and just survive. I wish I could tell her - "dont be afraid...you'll make it thru this darkness and when you do, you'll remember - you'll never forget - where you came from".

Remembering. Remembering that when you're kid is sick and you cant understand the "why" - you can remember that He'll never leave. Remembering that even in the darkest night that you could imagine - when you're 15 even - that you are never forsaken...no matter how alone you feel. And, if you trust Him...if you let Him get you on the other side of it, you'll remember.

Faith is remembering. I never want to forget. And yea...that 15 year old was me.

When I ran today, a DCB song came on that I hit repeat about 20 times...it was exactly where I am right today. Coincidence? Nah...I know those dont exist.

Shadows

Life is full of light and shadow
O the joy and O the sorrow
O the sorrow

And yet will He bring
Dark to light
And yet will He bring
Day from night

When shadows fall on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When darkness falls on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When all seems lost
When we're thrown and we're tossed
We remember the cost
We rest in Him
Shadow of the cross

can u change?

Wondering today as I ran - is it possible to change? I mean - for realz. Change. Not just adjust, but change something so completely that someone might notice...or circumstances might change in your life.
Well, I've decided that YES change can occur...we arent set in our ways bc "thats just the way I am" or "well, my mom was like that so I'll be like that too" or "this must just be the way God wants me to be...I mean why else would He make me this way?".

A year ago I was all shingled up and ended up on all sorts of gross meds for about 6 months. Cause of my virus?

Stress. Hmmm. Well. OK.

Bottom line, things had to change...and they continue to change - slowly and at times a bit painfully. But I will say this, if it were up to ME, I'd probably be right back to where I was - I have a tendency to return to things that are comfortable and that I feel like I can control. Ya know, change can be like putting shoes on the wrong feet...feels so much better to go back to what we know.

But, God shook my world a bit and I decided that I was done trying to be the I-can-fix-everyone-girl, the I-need-to-make-you-happy-girl, the I'm-always-available-girl, or even the I-want-everyone-to-approve/like-me-girl. I figured out that things were going to get even uglier if I continued to serve everyone else in this world and not stop and ask Who I should really serve (and no, I dont mean Brent...although he might disagree). 

So...can we change? Well, I'm trying...and I'm seeing some things happen. Here's the deal tho, it's not all on me...I cant do it alone. I have to ask/beg for God to be at the center of all this. The second I feel chaos, I know that I've dropped the ball and gone back to MY way. When there's peace - its usually Him and not me. Comfortable peace? Not always. Thats fo sho. But, He never ever said "in this world, things will be easy and comfy..." - did He?

So, I'll never quit hoping that He can continue to change me...or that He can change others who need/want to change, too. But for this formerly shingly, over-pleasing, over-yessing, over-worried girl, I'll take shoes on the wrong feet anyday...I dont want to go backward.

~

Some stuff that is changing for me...how I train for running/triathlon, how I pray for others, what I tell, what I choose to know, how I spend my time, how I am a friend, who I commit to, who I allow in, what I obligate myself to do, what I care about, how I love others, where I spend my time, how I prioritize, Who's opinion I seek 1st...

FEAR. (all caps are scary, eh?)

Fear. There, I said it.

It's the topic I'm most focused on as of about 3 weeks ago (well, that's a lie - I've just REALIZED its the topic I'm most motivated by in most situations).It's the topic that we - as parents - try to keep our kids from being ruled by, but, yet we tend to let it have a vice grip over our lives...

I don't want to speak up -
I'm afraid someone might disagree

I don't want to step out on a limb -
I'm afraid someone might not approve

I don't want to let go of toxic relationships -
I'm afraid they'll think I'm not a "good Christian"

I don't want to tell my kids certain truths -
I'm afraid the truth will taint their perception

I don't want to make decisions on my own -
I'm afraid I will be wrong

I don't want to admit my fears rule me -
I'm afraid I'll seem weak unless I keep up the front

Hmmm...I could go on and on. (But, I'm afraid I might offend some people...dang it, there I go again!) Fear dominates my motivations...it really does. I've started praying that God would show me areas that fear dominates (primarily because FEAR is the topic of our Mommies in Connection get-together 10/1 and I'm working on some stuff for that) my life. I'm thinkin' - OK, there might be a few things that will help me CONNECT with others...just a few. Well - gulp - I was shock-n-awed at how fast all the fears were coming at me. REALLY?? For REAL? Uh...yea...for real.

I started recognizing (and writing in my journal) those most common things that trouble me...things that are a stumbling blocks for me (see above for partial list) and realized at the core of each was a fear of something. Crazy talk.

Ya know, this all started because in MIC we were going to deal with fears that our children have...and then it grew from there. I realized this: how can I help my kiddos walk thru/overcome their fears when I'm allowing my life to be ruled by fears? 

In my favorite parenting book there is a point that I love and underlined a few times:

"Learning always involves two steps: stopping old behaviors, then starting new ones."

Its not as easy as saying, "Lord, I'm NO LONGER afraid". You have to stop being fearful and then start a new behavior. For me, that new behavior is trusting God.

Ya see, I'm realizing - while I like to say that I trust Him with my life - I am only trusting Him as far as I can STILL maintain some control...I'm trying to keep fixing/manipulating because I'm afraid of what may come next. Is that trust? Nah. Not trust.

In the Bible, there is one command (in one form or another) recorded more than any other from God/Jesus: DO NOT BE AFRAID. He knew we'd be chained to fear...consumed by it. He also knew He had to repeat Himself 100s of times to get the point across (He really IS a parent isnt He?).

And so, what will I do with this? Well...I'm asking Him to help me see and stop my fears. Just like w/my kids, most of the time I do NOT have all the answers to their fears, but I do know that my job is to help them move past those fears. And then, I'm making baby steps to live differently...it feels weird, I assure you. But, I'm willing. I'm ready.

So I ask you - what are you afraid of?

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." 2nd Timothy 1:7 NLT

That fear ain't from Him, y'all...it's all us. I wanna be DONE with fear. Don't you?

Brave

Been thinkin on the whole topic of FEAR and BRAVERY in the midst of it. Read one of my fav blogs today and this was his post. Great read.

Be brave, all. I'm trying, too.

wordy wordz

Well...I cant sleep and entire house of dogs/people are asleep...feeling overwhelmed today (after great Bible study this morning) w/remembering to watch my words (or, for those of you in flomo 'wordz', yo). I was (for some reason) going thru some old blogs and found this. Hmmmm. Needed to revisit today of all days.

Give me words...or not

"Give me words to speak, dont let my spirit sleep...cuz I cant think of anything worth sayin" Aaron Shust

Hmmmmm.

Is it ANY coincidence that I lost my voice for most of the week? Nah. Dont believe in coincidences...feeling pretty certain that its God's funny lil way of reminding me of some things He's teaching me lately.

"Give me words to speak..." Usually not a problem for me...not having words, that is. But are they the words to build up others and glorify Him? Or am I just spewin' stuff to get attention...get a laugh...tear someone else down? Ouchy.

Often, my words are too many and overflowing at an unbelievable rate. Seriously, I am flabbergasted (great word) w/how quick I can come up w/color commentary, sarcastic quips, and the general witty banter. I once thought it was a gift..."wow, I'm HI-LAR-IOUS!" But, 99.9% of the time, after it has escaped OUT THERE, I regret it. I tell hubby "I got on my own nerves today" when I lose control of this weapon of mine...and lets just say, I get on my nerves A LOT.

So...over the past several months, I find myself working on TAMING MY TONGUE...its hard for me. I get on my nerves more often than I succeed. But every now and then...every once in a blue moon, when a GREAT remark comes to my mind - I SNAG it before it goes out. STOP. Is that building others up or bring glory to Him? OR, is that a holymolydidIreallysaythat? moment.

For me, its hardest when there are hurtful words shooting out at me or someone I love. Its EASY for me to defend, reflect, and slam w/words when someone I love is target. But, am I 'defending' in the way He'd have me use my mouth, or jumpin on board the hypocrisy train? Other times, its just a way to hide insecurities or fill the silence. I have problems with silence. I'm weak...and loud. And this week, out of words (er, voice that is) and its been a good thing.

I have this verse hanging above my phone - "Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips." Psalm 141:3

So, this week I'm reminded to set that "guard"...and as my physical voice is getting stronger, I can only pray that its one that is used the right way.

"Give me words to speak, dont let my spirit sleep...cuz I cant think of anything worth sayin" Aaron Shust

Hmmmmm.

Is it ANY coincidence that I lost my voice for most of the week? Nah. Dont believe in coincidences...feeling pretty certain that its God's funny lil way of reminding me of some things He's teaching me lately.

"Give me words to speak..." Usually not a problem for me...not having words, that is. But are they the words to build up others and glorify Him? Or am I just spewin' stuff to get attention...get a laugh...tear someone else down? Ouchy.

Often, my words are too many and overflowing at an unbelievable rate. Seriously, I am flabbergasted (great word) w/how quick I can come up w/color commentary, sarcastic quips, and the general witty banter. I once thought it was a gift..."wow, I'm HI-LAR-IOUS!" But, 99.9% of the time, after it has escaped OUT THERE, I regret it. I tell hubby "I got on my own nerves today" when I lose control of this weapon of mine...and lets just say, I get on my nerves A LOT.

So...over the past several months, I find myself working on TAMING MY TONGUE...its hard for me. I get on my nerves more often than I succeed. But every now and then...every once in a blue moon, when a GREAT remark comes to my mind - I SNAG it before it goes out. STOP. Is that building others up or bring glory to Him? OR, is that a holymolydidIreallysaythat? moment.

For me, its hardest when there are hurtful words shooting out at me or someone I love. Its EASY for me to defend, reflect, and slam w/words when someone I love is target. But, am I 'defending' in the way He'd have me use my mouth, or jumpin on board the hypocrisy train? Other times, its just a way to hide insecurities or fill the silence. I have problems with silence. I'm weak...and loud. And this week, out of words (er, voice that is) and its been a good thing.

I have this verse hanging above my phone - "Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips." Psalm 141:3

So, this week I'm reminded to set that "guard"...and as my physical voice is getting stronger, I can only pray that its one that is used the right way.

selfishness

Ok...so, I'm reading  a great book that talks about all those "subtle sins" that we commit daily but then rationalize that OUR sins arent as big as those BIGGIES that others commit. You know - the "I'm not committing murder so I'm not that bad" attitude? Surely God sees that, right? Uh...bad news...sin BE sin and its a hard pill to swallow.

Point...I'm identifying w/WAY too much of this book. Those subtle sins that I rationalize...the ones that I decide arent quite so ugly...are a real plague that we miss. Today I read about selfishness. Think you're not selfish and you can just skip this blog??

Well...uh...think again.

He breaks it out into a few different types of selfishness (interests, time, inconsiderateness, money) - all of which, when I get HONEST w/myself I am totally guilty of. But as the day went on I did what the author suggests...he says, "ask God to shine a light on the subtle sins you are committing...it wont be what you think it will be...He'll surprise you with what He's offended by." Hmmmm. Cant be good...

So, I did...and will do. He's funny, that Father of ours. The things I cherry-pick as my 'bad stuff' arent necessarily what He'll have me focus on. Today, I realized that I am repeatedly selfish with my time/energy/attitude w/my kids this summer. When did that happen? When did keeping orderly house and getting my to-do list done trump going to the neighborhood pool and eating popcycles? When did I start harping on them more than teaching them? I dunno...He does. Ouch. I heard something at Bible study this week that reminded me (again) where my treasure is...and where I seem to get "off". Beth Moore (in video lecture) said roughly, "why do we cry w/compassion at commercials about people we'll never meet but are short-fused and irritable with the most precious people on this earth to us??"

Selfishness.

I know there is a time/place for obedience and responsibility, but my issue here is more w/my attitude. An attitude completely focused on me and my agenda. Ouchy.

As I'm thinking thru this I'm overwhelmed with throbbing pain for a dear mother I know as she sits beside her precious angel (Jozie) who is in the hospital today...facing uncertainty. It makes my stomach ache...can I really be a person who is so selfish that I am missing the gifts God gave me to acheive what I decide is important?? If Katie were here in the middle of my day, would her priorities be different? I think so. God knows my heart...He knows my motives and my attitudes.

So, as I type, I will continue to beg Him to direct my heart...I wanna want what He wants. If I seek Him and His plan, I cant go wrong...Lord save me from myself...and God, be present to Katie and sweet Jozie today.

cairns

So recently I went to the cemetery for the first time in like 5 years...the one where my dad is buried. Funny thing, I drive past it almost daily, but I dont go there. No need. He's not there...I know that, but for some reason I was drawn there the other day.

As I stood there and thought, "I have no flowers...or anything to leave her to show someone's been here" I saw some rocks. And then, my first thought was - a cairn - I need to build a cairn. Do you know what a cairn is? I found a blog on hiking that said this...

"With regard to Colorado hiking, a cairn is a pile rocks placed near a trail in lieu of man-made trail markers (e.g., wood signs, wood posts, plastic/metal tree emblems, painting on rocks, etc.). Further, cairns are used on ambiguous trails where hikers have been known to get lost. Staying on a trail marked primarily with cairns can be challenging because cairns simply signal that you are near a trail and do not necessarily signal the direction that the trail is heading. Thus, effectively following cairns along a trail requires finding the next cairn in the sequence of cairns."

I found some rocks and built a lil Flower Mound cairn...I told my bro later and he loved the idea. Our own lil cairn right there for Dad. As the day went on, I kept thinking about my cairn...and then, today as I was reading/praying I was struck by something (bear with me, life analogy coming) - my life is a process of building cairns...guides, markers, signals for where I've been. I thought of all the pains/sufferings - and the good stuff, too, of course - in my life and visualized adding another rock to my pile. Hmmm. How many piles do I have?

How do I let all those things - the things I should never forget that God has let occur in my life - guide my life? Guide my path...the direction I go?

Ya know, when I went to Colorado a few summers ago and my bro took us hiking, when I saw a cairn he told me, "don't touch it...leave it the way you found it or add to it, but dont take any of the rocks away...they need to be there". And so goes my life as well...each experience NEEDS to be there.

I've been doing lots of "personal digging" in my life lately - hoping to feel led to write about it soon - and God is showing me some amazing ways He wants to lead me in a new direction. He wants to take me on different paths that I've never thought I could manage. I've always decided, "this is just the way God made me...my destiny is to be HERE, just the way I am...".

He's been taking this opportunity to change that thinking. I have to trust that all things work together for His purpose - not just say it, but BELIEVE IT. Live it.

And so, the images of the cairns stays with me today...and I'll beg Him to continue to show me just how He wants me to stack my rocks. Being led is not easy...trusting the path is a struggle when you have NO idea where its going. But, I thank Him that He cares enough for each of us - regardless of how we regard Him - to provide a trail...whether we take it or not.

"Staying on a trail marked primarily with cairns can be challenging because cairns simply signal that you are near a trail and do not necessarily signal the direction that the trail is heading. "

"But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life..."

out of the zone

No...not the Mavs. Another - painful - blog for another time.

Zone - meaning "comfort zone".

Yesterday was one of my favorite days ever w/school-type-stuff. I went w/my daughter's class on the 1st grade "mission trip" they do every year. Its a hard trip to take and I assume not the most popular one that mommies/daddies want to tag along for...the whole 1st grade goes to a nursing home to sing, recite scripture, and spend some time talking to the folks about Christ. Yep, that's right...its not just a go-and-sing-and-smile show, they actually spend time talking about Christ. And now you understand why - I'm guessing - its not the most popular trip to go on.

What is more scary: stepping out of your comfort zone and talking boldy about Christ to strangers OR stepping outside your comfort zone and going to a nursing home where it can feel scary and uncomfortable? I dunno. But I'll tell you, it was about the coolest thing I've ever seen.

Let me lay it out for you:

We walk in with 80 or so 1st graders, 4 teachers, and about 25 parents, I'd guess. As we walk in, you are first assaulted with that smell, feel, taste of illness...you cant deny it. It is a scary feeling, even if you've been in places like this before (and it was a VERY nice place, by the way) and know what to expect. There are strange sounds...people crying out, or just crying in pain/sadness, lots of wheel-chaired folks parked around - just trying to get a change of scenery, I suppose.

When you're 7ish, it can be scary.

When you're 39ish, it can be scary.

We head to the dining room and some of the healthier folks are there waiting. Kiddos set up and teachers start the lil jambox of tunes. The kids sing well w/sweet hand motions and all seem to enjoy. I watch - thru tears - as I can see kids' faces get fearful when they hear a person in the back crying out. But, then, recover quickly - like kiddos do - and smile and sing. Then, they recite their memory verses..."Just as Moses lifted up the snake in the desert..." - they were perfect and precious.

After 3 songs and 4 different memory verses, each parent takes a group of kids (I had Maya and a friend) out to go and visit with the folks individually for about 45 mins. Kiddos had bracelets to give (with beads representing the salvation story) and a "book" they made on their own to read to these sweet people.

And that's when the reality of where we were and what we were doing hit me, because my daughter says to me, "Mommy, I want to leave...I'm really scared...why are people making loud noises? I want to leave." And, so, like any good Mommy I said to her: "There is nothing to be scared of...you are safe. People sometimes just have bodies that dont work as well as they used to...they are the same people on the inside and our being here makes them happy. If you feel nervous, just smile and remember, when you smile you are loving on them...and we need to love everyone the way Jesus would want us to." It worked somehow...the rest of the day, she had a sweet smile ready at all times.

And then, something really cool happened...BOLDNESS happened. I watched as she spoke with confidence and even gave her own bracelet when we ran out of bracelets to hand out. I watched as she emerged from the protection of her comfort zone...and boldly stepped out to love those who may seem unloveable.

She's 7. And I'm 39. I dont step out enough.

Ya see, I serve God and am willing to share of what He's done in my life WITHIN my comfort zone...and I convince myself that is all that's asked of me. How often do I love the unloveable or smile at the ones who dont seem to see anything worth smiling about? I have so much to learn.

no title for this one

This poem was brought to my attention today (in a great book by Ravi Zacharias called Cries of the Heart) and it struck me still...I just had to stop and type. I had to spread the word...that for each of us who suffers quietly (or not so quietly) with our own burdens, struggles - big, small and in between - that we are never alone even when we feel like it. Only One knows your pain and your agony. No matter how many phone calls, FB status updates, or tv shows you watch to numb/mask/pacify yourself...the One does know what you are trying to put away and hide.

I hate bad stuff. I hate pain. And, if you know me at all, you know I hate conflict of ANY kind. But, I can tell you this - I've lived thru some JUNK. And, no matter how bad/hard/weird things get, at the end of the day I want my life to show that I believe THIS:

He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength when the labors increase;
To added affliction, He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials His multiplied peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed e're the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father's full giving has only begun.

His love has no limit, His grace has no measure,
His power has no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again!

- Annie Johnston Flint

Its true. I know it. I dont always feel it, but I know it. You can, too. Trust me.